Recently, I have this huge thought about the meaning of life or atleast its purpose and somehow, I discovered that life is meaningless and purposeless.
Everyone of us is brought up in the same way - we were told to study hard, get good grades and find a good job and that is suppose to guarantee us a 'bright future'. To look deeper, we were actually brought up to be workers or in a more closer-to-reality term - slaves.
I once thought like any other young gun who stepped into the working world. Like many, I have this target of being a Senior Programmer in 3 years and a Systems Analyst by 5 years. Beyond 8 years, I would like to be a manager because that is where the big car and big house is.
I made it to manager in 4 years and started thinking that I may want to be a CTO or CEO next. Everyone around me is like encouraging me to do it. But after awhile, I realized that it is not what I wanted. I can't be climbing all the time and I can never earn all the money in this world. Every step higher comes with a lot of stress and it brings me closer to the meaningless life.
In 2003, I had discovered a growth in my body and that scared the shit out of me. I'm too young to go as I said to myself. I went through the surgery, survived the trauma and I started to see life differently. I have grown to have least attachments to things nowadays because the thought of 'impermanence' dwells deep inside me.
I started to focus on things that I enjoy most in doing. I have very little desires. I don't aim for a big house because I don't think I can clean it. I don't think I need a bigger and sexier car because my current one serves me well and I feel safe in it. I just want to do things that excites me i.e. coding and developing something. I enjoy the feeling of seeing my creations come to life.
That's when I fell into the period where most people felt that I'm unhappy. It was like a time of restructuring. I don't fancy being big up there, spending company's money to increase my cholestrol level and playing golf. I want to pursue my dreams - things that I had always wonder whether I could achieve in this world.
Hence, my needs, wants and desires had changed. Nowadays, being in the city, I am closer to those that live like clones. Luxury cars are desires, golf is a hobby and beer is life. They will complain about increment and bonuses eventhough they may have enough - but it is never enough. The next position in the ladder is always the better one. Work balance means spending time-slices with family during weekends - some even have those scheduled as appointments in their PDAs.
Very seldom, I hear people talk about their aging parents, their children's growing up experience (except for the midnight diaper experience) or even their pets. Many would just pick up a magazine, point at a picture and tell me, "This is where I want to visit next."
Strange enough there is no place that I want to visit. (There is however a place where my dream is.) So cars, golf, travel and what next? Look at the ape next to us and see if there is any difference? As much as we all can greed and want, we will not be able to escape suffering and ultimately, the tombstone.
I was once told, "When a baby arrives in this world, he/she brings happiness to everyone in the surrounding. But every baby comes to this world crying, knowing that it is the beginning of his/her suffering." So what is the meaning of life afterall - from womb to tomb?
All I know now, is to see if I can fulfill my dreams. Nothing much less matters.